I know I promised photos of my new obsession, jersey knit. Truth is, after uploading a photo to Saturday’s post, I realized that I wasn’t exactly finished with project. The neckline needed a few more circles to fill in the spaces that look gaping in the photo. In real life, it wasn’t so bad, but photos tend to expose flaws the naked eye easily misses. IZ insisted that it was “fine”—I secretly sewed on just a few more. An afternoon of surreptitiously adding rosettes and I think I’m happy with it now. Maybe.
This is a habit in my life. The “I’ll just tweak it a bit more” compulsion is really my inner perfectionist making herself heard. It’s why IZ once painted a kitchen 5 times before he came to his senses and told me enough. It’s why deadlines are a good thing. It’s why I’ll never publish anything without one. I’m never content to just leave things as is. Tweak, tweak, fuss, fuss, frustration, obsess, re-write, obsess some more, this word, that word, pulling my hair out now, knot in my stomach. The progression is as pointless as it is predictable. Let it go, is not in my vocabulary. In any language.
I wish my inner perfectionist would stay in her place. I don’t mind the needling with my writing. I’ve come to expect it and I don’t know that I could actually write without her tyrant voice in my ear. But, it’s not helpful when you’re learning a new skill, like, say, sewing. And I’ve tried very hard to banish the red-headed bossy girl in my head to another realm when I sit down at a sewing machine. Surely she can find someone else to criticize for a few hours? Surely she has silver to polish or floors to clean in her realm, right? I can keep her at bay for a few hours, but I’m rarely successful at outright banishment. Instead, she shows up after I’m done, to pick, pick, pick at my mistakes.
I’m riddled with self doubt. That might surprise you, but it’s true. I have no reason to be, really. Any more than you do. But, that doubt is the lens through which I see so much of what I do. What shows up are the mistakes, of which there are plenty in this wee t-shirt of mine. Some of them are intentional: as in, I didn’t finish any of the edges. That was a choice I made, because I wanted a certain effect and I figured a first time sewing project in knit should be simple. Other mistakes are learning lessons, opportunities to do it differently next time. This is what I tell her, my perfectionist. She doesn’t listen.
Yet, I’m ridiculously proud of myself. Despite the fits and starts, despite the errors and mistakes, this shirt FITS. And I made it without a pattern. I used a completely new-to-me presser foot. Figured out how to program my machine to stitch in overlock. Best of all, I actually finished something for myself.
I can’t help but notice, even here, that it’s my mistakes I start with… the primary lens through which I’ve been looking. Perhaps it’s time for a new lens? I mean, what could be possible if I didn’t focus my flaws and instead, noticed the potential? Who would I be, if I could start with what I learned, with what I gained, with what I conquered, with what I want to become? If I was the kind of person who asked, “What can go right?” instead of focusing on what can go wrong. Who would I be, if I evicted my inner perfectionist? I can’t help but wonder.
Who would you be?
A happier person. I have shoved and pushed and prodded and beaten my inner perfectionist into near submission but damned if she still doesn’t rear her ugly (but perfectly coifed) head from time to time. Like yesterday when my boss observed a lesson I was teaching. I was so freaking nervous and so hard on myself about every mistake (sound familiar). And, yet, I know I’m a good teacher. I know she knows I’m a good teacher. I know that she’ll tell me I’m a good teacher and tell me what I should work on because that’s her job and I’ll be fine with that. And, I’ll still stew over those few little mistakes.
You, my friend, are not alone.
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Oh, Liza… I hear you. Criticism stays with us longer, even if it’s meant for good, eh? ~W
Interesting that you should have a post about “laying to rest” your inner perfectionist and put it with a picture of a gate that leads to a grave… did you do that intentionally?
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Only you would catch that. 😀 ~W
My inner perfectionist has to back off these days because of blood pressure and parenting issues. It’s a lot more relaxing to say–OH, WELL, WHATEVER!!
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Ah yes… “Breathing in I calm my body, breathing out I smile” is often replaced with “Breathing in I calm my body, breathing out I scream my freakin’ head off.” It’s amazing what we convince ourselves to be upset over. And amazing what we tell ourselves we’re OK with. . . until we’re not. Blood pressure has a way of putting everything into perspective, eh? ~W
The saving grace of this move has been the chance to reinvent myself. I find that some things are harder to shake off than others, but I’m trying very hard to be: a better friend, kinder to myself, more courageous with the “new”.
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Those are admirable goals. And that is the beauty of moving, eh??
Hey, IZ… I’d like to move, m’kay? 😀 ~W
I read somewhere once that E.B. White* was nearly paralyzed with fear and self-criticism. At times he would flash back to a mistake he made in childhood and still feel a huge wave of embarrassment – and all over a moment that no one else remembered. It is amazing what we allow our minds to do to ourselves.
I don’t want to evict my inner perfectionist anymore. There’s nothing wrong with striving to do the best I can do. The trick for me was learning how to accept the mistakes, learn, and move forward. I’m still getting the hang of that.
*It might not have been E.B. White. I really don’t remember where I read that. It’s possible my inner perfectionist made it up 😉
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So, what you’re saying is that your inner perfectionist is a liar too? *snort*
As for me, there is a huge difference between excellence and perfection. I’m all for striving for excellence… the nit-picky, “must be perfect” is a gradual letting go process. And she could shut the heck up, already! Some things I’m far better at releasing. Truthfully, those are the things I’ve had the most practice at “stopping.” Graduate school taught me to hand-over imperfection and to not obsess. I’m not NEARLY as bad as I used to be on the front. Sewing is still too new for me to walk past the errors with easy. I’m trying to view them as “lessons” on how to do it better.
Wende, I heart you. I so relate. Still not able to answer life’s questions (or yours) however, I wanted to be sure to thank you for this post.
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You know, when our boy was little, he had so many issues with school. So much so, his kindergarten teacher went on a tare, attempting to get him evaluated by a school psychologist. Every week, she was convinced he had another mental illness, another psychological “issue”. We eventually took him to see a noted professional—who pointed out that our kid was bright and stubborn and was never going to fit the social norm. It’s a hard pill to swallow coming to terms with that.(and I’m abbreviating, obviously!) But what we did walk away with, was this little slogan, “Progress, not perfection.”
And you know, that’s about all I can hang onto at times. It’s not about being perfect, despite the voices in our head. And it’s not about getting “there” all in one step. Progress, darling. It’s all we can hope for. Wishing you progress. Lots and lots of progress. 😀 ~W
It’s not obvious from the picture where the gate leads … but now that I know, it is brilliant. Thanks for pointing it out, IZ 🙂
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He’s good at that! ~W
Great gate out of the grave yard of nit picky, I need one when I sew too. The only A I ever got in school was in seam ripping picking out all my mistakes and doing it again and again, I truly hate the little tool, and I have at least 6 all in different locations, just in case. Now I call that obsessing! Can hardly wait to see just wnat you are making, your creativity is amazing.
mom
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Oh, it’s so poorly constructed. But I’m trying not to see it that way. 😀 ~W
Having kids put my “perfectionist” tendencies out the window 🙂
I think I’m happier now.
Can’t wait to see what you have been up too!
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Heh… that’s certainly true with my house! 😀 Kid’s do have a way of loosening “ourselves”. In my case, it was schedule keeping. Oh, please. I don’t know why I try. 😀 ~W
i don’t really have an inner perfectionist. inner CRITIC, yes. and without her, would be a much happier, much more sociable and outgoing person, i’m sure.
in regards to your writing, i thought i’d share this: in high school, we read a short article (?) called “Revision” (i have yet to find a copy online – i believe the author was Neil Post), in which the author states that a good writer is always revising, is never “done”. that might help you put things in perspective a bit?
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Oh, I have no issues with revision. Most of writing is just that. I’ve never submitted a first or 10th draft of anything. There is a huge difference between revision though, and the incessant voice in your head that won’t let you leave it alone. You know? I don’t struggle with this in regards to writing (obviously, as I blog like a nutcase!) but sewing is a new craft for me and I do pull out more seams than I need to. I think the trick is to accept that I am where I am… and each time will be better. But redoing a garment to death is pointless. I think that is where I was headed with this post. ~W
It’s funny…I’m only the inner perfectionist about some things, and then I totally loose interest, and think, “good enough!” I am really hard on myself and I have an inner critic that is harsh and unforgiving…you’re not going to do it right, you only have one chance, you’re going to screw up…that is the one I’m learning to understand and redirect…
However, the BEST part about being creative for me…is the weird path it often takes me on and I end up somewhere totally different with a different process and a result that often ends up better than I thought in the beginning…and how many times things that seemed like mistakes actually turn out to be perfect endings instead…and the more comfortable you get with sewing…the easier it will be for you to sew on the fly (although, I still rip things out and sew them up wrong…it wouldn’t be any fun if I was perfect…ha!!)
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Yeah, I’m usually holding my breath a bit. I’m trying to just breathe and not take myself so seriously at the sewing machine. 😀 ~W
I hear you loud & clear, Wende, and it sounds all too familiar! I’m a tweaker and a poker and a prodder too, and damn, it’s tough to let go of. I’m starting to learn to say “whatever” more now, probably because I’ve taken on too much to listen to that inner perfectionist and still get through the day. It one strategy, I suppose, though not one I would necessarily recommend 😉
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Thanks, Amanda. 😀 And no, that’s NOT the way to get through it. That was me in graduate school: too much to do to be perfect at anything. Too much to do, really, to be decent at anything. Talk about spread too thin. I suppose the one up side of this perfectionist thinking is that it points to how much time I have now. Which, is a luxury. 😀 ~W