IZ: So, you’d be proud of me. When Bill suggested we host them again this summer, I told him that we were taking a break this year and declaring 2007 the year of no house guests.
Me: Oh! GO YOU! And how did he take that?
IZ: Oh, just about what I expected. He gave me all the reasons why this shouldn’t apply to him and then made plans around it.
Me: What you’d do then?
IZ: I held my ground. Gently, but I held it.
I have to tell you, Dear Readers, this is becoming a trend. The world will tell you can do anything you set your mind to: quit smoking, stop drinking, lose weight… you name it. And by “the world†I mean your friends, your family, your peers, your work colleagues and the guy who pumps your gas at the mini-mart. They will champion your cause till Sunday as long as your “goals†have no direct effect on their sense of well being. As long as you’re singing their tune, they’ve got your back. You are the champion, they will sing along with you. Hell, some of them will play air guitar to your wicked Freddy Mercury impersonation.
But if your quitting smoking means they have to stop doing so around you or your desire to drop a few pounds means you won’t be imbibing at the weekly beer fest, look out! God help you if you set a boundary they’ve grown accustomed to crossing without thought. Uh huh… then their response is going to range from a lukewarm, “That doesn’t really apply to me, right?†to blatant outrage. You will find yourself singing Queen tunes alone with your band on hiatus because they think you are being a stage hog. Just sayin’
We won’t even cover the passive aggressive behavior that is heading your way now. You’re better off facing it in the dark.
Where was I? As it turns out, Dear Reader, you are your own worst enemy. And by this, I mean, you thought you were doing a good thing setting a New Year’s resolution that gave you time to rest and restore and find some perspective. What were you thinking putting your own desires and needs first? And really, what made you think the guy who pumps your gas is mature enough to understand or support your decisions? Idiot.
And by “You†I mean, “me…†I did not just call you an idiot. I did not. Nuh uh!
Truth is, there are two kinds of responses I get to setting any kind of boundary. There are those people who look at me and say “YOU GO GIRLâ€. We like those people. These are the people that understand the true gift of supporting another person’s boundary. If we are smart, we will hang on to those people and be willing to play air guitar in their lives as needed.
And then we have the people who see every boundary as a challenge, if they see the boundary at all! The reasons for their eyesight deficits are as diverse as their eye colors, but the bottom line is they aren’t going to willingly support your decision. Typically, these are the people we love. There is something about proximity and intimacy and bonded-ness that makes the other person think that this boundary is for everyone else.
I’m not shocked that the responses to “Go Lean†have fallen into one or the other of these camps. It’s been fairly predictable as to who would be my support band and who would be my boundary breakers. There is little doubt in my mind that in the short run, it would be easier to give in. From the behavior of some, you would think I had no right to set the boundary in the first place! But it’s not the short run I’m worried about. Beyond the need to clear my head, beyond the need to rest, beyond the necessity to let my body heal is a desire for change.
Too often, I buckle under the pressure. I do a terrible job of telling the people I love “No.†I tend to let them walk all over me only to grow resentful of them later. I don’t like the pattern—so I’m trying hard to change that. However, the consequences have meant that a few relationships have ended over my setting a boundary and taking care of myself. I suspect some professional relationships will also end because of it. I’m hopeful that as I move forward in a healthier fashion, my relationships will be healthier for it.
I’m fortunate to have IZ standing guard and setting the tone. At least my bass player is loyal, eh? And my entire band has not deserted me… there are a few tambourine players and triangle bangers still willing to share the stage with me. The whole experience has clarified how much I love those percussionists! If you feel like playing air guitar in the comment box, there’s always room in the band. I promise not the hog the mike.
I’m starting to think, by way of our comments to each other, that you go to bed about 20 minutes before I get up.
Dan joined me in Chicago last night; he has to catch the train back to NYC. He can’t fly because he has 5 instruments and all his luggage from the past 6 weeks. We went to dinner and the topic of conversation was setting boundaries. (He has a “penpal” woman in Europe who has latched onto him and is writing him constant and insistent e-mails he wants to stop but he’s afraid of “hurting her feelings.”
Even though I clearly have trouble doing this very same thing, one thing I learned- coming and going- over the years is that you’re not doing anyone a favor but not setting them and holding firm. We all need to get back to the point where we grasp that no means no. If our children see that we don’t get that, how can we expect them to get it?
I also think that true good friends do respect your boundaries and do encourage you to do the things you need to do to care for yourself, even if it means a change or inconvenience for them. We had a member of the infamous BCMA (Book CLub My Ass) this past 8 months that set her mind to really losing weight. How we didn’t support her and how we ultimately did was an interesting lesson. I think I’ll go write a post about it. Thanks.
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I’m afraid insomnia has been a “house guest” for a few weeks… so I’ve been up into the wee hours of the night. As for the boundary keeping, it’s hard discipline for me. My biggest problem is that I tend to not set them early in my relationships, end up feeling used and when I finally do speak up for myself it comes a quite a shock to the system of others. I’m working on this being different. I led a women’s retreat last fall in which I suggested that it was actually a spiritual discipline to support another person’s boundary. That by standing with them, we were choosing to be in solidarity with another’s call to self-care. I also suggested that the act of undermining those boundaries by widdleing away at them was not only inappropriate, but that it also undermined all women’s ability to set boundaries. In effect, I argued that respecting a boundary is the flip side of the coin of boundary keeping. What good does it do a person to set a boundary if the people in their lives who should support work against it? Anyhow…it’s a theme I’ve been working with for some time. And we tend to work out of our own lives. I have to trust that even as I am losing friends (if you can use that word for people who are abusive!) I will be gaining my sanity–and sanity attracts sane people. 😀 ~W
Amen! And yeah, you said it! Also: I know exactly what you mean!
This past year has been a great time of readjustment for me. Of learning to care for myself first and then everyone else. Kind of like how on an airplane, if you don’t put your own oxygen mask on first, you can’t help anyone else. Philip and I made decisions that were good for us, and consequently rocked everyone else’s boat by moving out of state and making their lives less convenient. I was never able to do that before. As outspoken a person as I tend to be, when it comes to the people I love, I have had a very hard time saying “NO”.
Recently I had to do it all over again and it was easier this time. It feels good to do what you need to do for yourself without agonizing over how it will effect everyone else. Which sounds really selfish, but if you want to be happy, you have to stick to your guns.
I obviously think and care about how Philip and my kid would be affected by any choices I might make or any boundaries I might put up.
Anyway- whatever those boundaries are that you’ve put up… good for you! Stick with it! those who really love you and want what’s best for you will come around in the end.
I really enjoyed this post. Very poignant for me personally.
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Oh, I’m glad you liked it. I never know when I write some of this stuff if I should, or if I should just post a pretty picture when the urge to get serious strikes. :D As for our “boundary” this year—after 5 weeks of house guests last year and some very heavy travel last fall my family has opted to not host house guests this year (or take extended road trips!) Unfortuantely, this hasn’t gone over too well. What most people who visit us do not appreciate is that because IZ works from home and Boy Wonder is home-schooled… our “home” is very much a working space! Having guests in means we must stop working/teaching. After basically running a bed and breakfast last summer, we have opted to NOT do so this year in order to focus on our family, resting, and doing some major home repair work.Â
Additionally, I’ve sworn off committee work of all kinds this year–as I take some time to reconnect with my family after a grueling internship last year. Sadly, that decision isn’t being supported well here either. Oh well. As my granddaddy was so fond of saying, “They got the same shoes to get glad in they got mad in, honey!” ~W
I have an actual trophy that I won in the eighties for playing air guitar very, very well. Blush.
Oh boundaries…I have an entire classroom full of students who see them as that something to be tested! My family definitely does it. It is preferable that I have no boundaries. Then everyone likes me better…I think. Actually, I learned to set them. It took teaching to give me the guts to do it in my personal life as well.
It is interesting the games that we play. My mother gets on my dad about his weight, and then buys endless cake and ice cream. I guess things staying the same is just comfortable for most people.
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Family is the hardest, I think. My parental units have guilt down pat! My new mantra is, “I’m immune to the guilt!” heh…
And I suspect you are right in your last sentence. However, I am looking for change. And well… I’m sorry if that’s painful for some people. But I’m not sorry to be facing my demons and confronting them. Change is good. I’m going first! 😀 ~W
Boundaries–what are those? Seriously, you need to coach me. I have set them, but end up feeling guilty at saying NO. I do it, but feel crappy afterwards. That’s why Alison and I have a fellow gymnast coming with us to San Diego who will spent the whole time on her cell phone or texting her boyfriend. Fun times-ha. I say, “YOU GO, GIRL!”
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Oh, see… I suspect that in the case of your fellow gymnast you made the right decision. I mean, tonight I have two kiddos that are not mine asleep upstairs in my guest room/office. However, they aren’t on vacation. Their mother is terribly ill and pregnant and had to go into the city very early in the morning tomorrow—so, my “no house guest” rule goes out the window in this case. You know, you have to be flexible in some cases. But, setting boundaries is still a good thing… I don’t suppose you could insist that she leave her text contraption at home, eh? ha ha ha ha… I jest. I can barely keep any boundaries I set, I dare not attempt to coach you. But you can certainly watch me this year as I fumble through this and learn from my mistakes! 😀 ~W
SPEND, not spent. And this girl is nice, but not much of team person. Her mom can’t afford to come, and her dad is dead. These are the times it’s hard to say no.
I know you’re all “I’ve got boundaries!” and all, but … I mean … I hate to be contrary, but …. is it okay if maybe I played air keyboards instead of air guitar? As for me, I never say “I have boundaries.” I usually say, “I have a knife.” I don’t understand why my friends don’t call me anymore ……………….
😉
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I’m so glad you are feeling better and being witty again on my blog! I’ve missed it and you! “I have a knife” O.M.G Becky, that’s fabu! I want that on a tshirt. And you are officially my new keyboard players. 😀 ~W