Archive for the ‘This Life’ Category
I’ve had this post rattling around in my head for the past week. I’ve hesitated to write it — not wanting to put something out there that might not be a benefit. I think we need to be really careful when we start making proclamations in grand sweeps. So, I finally decided to put this disclaimer up first:
This is my list of hurtful words. They might not be your list of words. It’s OK if you don’t see the harm in these words. The words themselves aren’t necessarily bad words–they are just words that have caused me harm. The real point I want to get across, is that whatever your words are–if you’re talking smack to yourself, stop. You’re worth so much more than the tapes, the critics, the know-it-all voices in your head that tell you otherwise. Believe me. You are worthy, you are beautiful.
Words I’ve Stopped Using: Difficult, Poor, Ugly
Truth is, if you’re anything like me, the most harm you do with your words is to your self. I’m careful (usually) with what I say to my son and husband. Sure, I’ve made mistakes and I’ve had to repent and ask forgiveness. But, in general, I’m pretty careful. It doesn’t make me sainted–it makes me wounded. I know what it means to hear constant criticism and the wounds that a person carries from being exposed to such negativity. And I know the voice I’ve fought so hard to gain still competes with the voices in my head–pointing out my deficiencies, my unworthiness, my “difficult-ness”. So, as a parent especially, I’ve been careful: with others. I wish I could say the same about how I talk to myself.
The thing is, the voices in my head no longer belong to critical parents or disapproving family members. I long ago internalized those voices and the critic who stares me down each morning in the mirror shares my reflection. Damage done, right? Time to take responsibility for the nasty things I say to myself–their origin is irrelevant! I’m the voice behind the words now and as I’ve meditated on what it means to use words to uplift and empower others, I’ve realized that my greatest sin is against myself.
So, as I’ve sat with this–I’ve begun to examine the words I speak to myself. I’ve come up with 3, I’m sure there are more, but baby steps right?
When we were first married IZ worked in downtown Seattle, just moments from Pike’s Place Market. On Fridays, he would swing by the market on his way home from work and bring me an armful of flowers. Usually big bunches of dahlias, but sometimes sunflowers or wildflowers, anything that was in season. It’s such a fond memory.
We had this huge worktable in our kitchen and I would arrange flowers on it, while IZ would make dinner. It was a chance to catch up on his day. He worked a stressful job and I remember those moments of times of just being present. Listening and supporting and hoping for him, all the things he wanted to accomplish. And it wasn’t lost on me then, either, that in the midst of such turmoil at work, he always made time to bring me flowers.
We’ve grown up. And moved too many times. And these days, when I want flowers, I just go get them. The downside, I suppose, of working from home. He doesn’t have a flower stand to swing by on his way home for work.
So, it was a lovely moment this afternoon, when on our way home from his haircut he pulled over to my favorite flower stand and bought me a bouquet. His day, his week has been complicated and stressful and there’s not much I can do to remedy the problems he’s facing right now. But once again, he’s there with flowers reminding me again that the definition of love is putting the other first.
When he got back in the car, he leaned over and gave me a kiss, “Here you go, Friday Flowers.”
What makes a cherry chocolate scone taste sweeter? Giving up sugar 10 days before you eat it!
IZ and I have been off sugar for 10 days. I should clarify, we’ve given up processed/refined sugar. We still eat a wee bit of fruit and there’s the reality there’s sugar in everything– so, we’re aiming to be 95% sugar free this August. (We’re taking it a month at a time!)
But today is Regatta and Regatta typically means eating homemade cherry pie on the porch while watching the fireworks. Plus, one of our lovely neighbors is throwing a party. An Ice Cream Social …. with ice cream. We adore this neighbor (and most of our neighborhood!) and wouldn’t dream of missing her party. But it does create a bit of dilemma: go to the party and not eat ice cream (kinda rude!) or break our sugar fast for the day.
We opted for the latter. I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand to bump into people who give up sugar/chocolate/coffee/dessert for Lent… and then piously tell you all about it. Typically while you’re shoving a piece of said sacrifice into your own face. Yay! My inner snark goes off and I start to not like
you them… a little. We didn’t want to be those people at an ice cream party, “Oh, we’re off sugar. But you know, go ahead and enjoy. Don’t mind us.”
So, I completely apologize if you’re reading this while consuming a candy bar. I’m not giving up sugar because I’m holy–if that helps. I’m not even giving it up because I think sugar is toxic (though, it probably is??). I’m giving it up because nothing else is working! IZ and I pound out at least 25 miles a week and have for months, but nothing is budging. Sure, my calves are like stones, but my middle is hanging on to the fat like a toddler with a precious toy.
When you google this charming little fact, Dr. Google suggests that my problem is one of 2 things. 1: Perimenopause, or 2: Too much sugar. There’s no doubt 1 is at hand . . . but I can’t shake the hunch that sugar might be part of the problem as well. (Or the suspicion that it’s going to take more than a month to figure it out!)
So, for the next month (or two or three) no mochas, no chocolate, no refined sugars or processed anything.
Except today–today we’re breaking our fast. We’re 10 days in, so it feels like such a reward! IZ, lover of cherry pie, opted for cherry chocolate scones instead of pie. Less sugar and he knows I will only eat a sliver of pie and he didn’t want to get stuck with the whole thing.
Let me tell you! 10 days without sugar makes everything sweet taste sweeter. I cut back the sugar in these scones (1/4 cup instead of 1/3) and they taste like I added more! We sat out on our porch this morning and savored our little cheat.
We’ll be back on our fast tomorrow, which makes today just a wee bit sweeter.
Me: Did you put the avocado in the refrigerator?
IZ: Yes. And that’s what happens when you leave me in charge of unloading the groceries.
Me: But where in the fridge? I’m not seeing them in the veggie drawer?
IZ: That’s because they’re not a vegetable. Look in the fruit drawer.
Me: Really? *eyeroll*
IZ: And while we’re on the subject–tomatoes are berries and that’s why I keep them in fruit drawer. Stop moving them.
Me: It’s come to this? Seriously?
IZ: And you know where cucumbers go?
Me: Don’t even do it…
IZ: Next to the melons.
IZ: And you know where melons can go?
Me: I’m leaving now…
IZ: In. My. Hands.
And this, friends, is foreplay. I’m ashamed to say the boy got lucky after that conversation. I’ll insist that it was because he used the vacuum and made dinner that night. But it’s probably because I find his corny sense of humor charming. That and he calls what I have “melons” when clearly, they’re more like grapefruit.
IZ’s sister, who lives in the Philippines, was visiting PDX this weekend–so we made another trip into the city to see her. She’s headed home in August and won’t be back for a few years, so this was our chance to see her one last time.
And of course, we couldn’t refuse the opportunity to snuggle with our babies again. So, family party it was.
For the record, I’m not the only one smitten with a certain blond haired cherub! Barbara has her uncle IZ wrapped around her little finger. We took the opportunity of going into the city again to stop by a few Goodwills to see if I could find any more vintage slips for Mireio. And at the first one, he found this broken down kitchen toy he was convinced she needed. It was so large and missing bits, I wasn’t convinced. “I don’t know, I don’t think you can bring a toy THAT large without getting into trouble. And it’s trashed! Your sister would kill you!”
He wasn’t pleased. “That’s fine, I have 2 more Goodwills to go.”
Sure enough, he found another play kitchen at the next Goodwill. Only this one was in nearly perfect condition–including a cute little window that opens. It was twice the size of the broken down toy he left behind.
“This one? She has to have this one.”
“Ok! But, it stays in the car until you tell your sister that you just bought a HUGE kitchen set for her grandchild and that she gets to keep it at her house. This is on YOU. Auntie Wende had nothing to do with it.”
(Oh, yeah, I’ll totally abandon the ship here. He’s on his OWN!)
“Except you’re paying for it.”
“Shush. And stick with the story.”
Of course his sister couldn’t care less that IZ just hauled a toy the size of a piece of furniture into her house. I kid you not, we barely fit it into our SUV. But once we all got a glimpse of Barbara playing with her new kitchen, it was a done deal. She was over the moon. And IZ gloated all day. “SEE!”
At some point in the day, his sister asked him if he wanted another baby. If WE wanted another baby.
In truth, we’re past it. At 44, our days of sleepless nights and sippy cups are long past us. And grand babies are a LONG way down the road. Do you even know the odds of our having grandchildren before we’re 60? Ask my mathematician son, he’ll tell you they’re not good!
But it’s lovely to be able to practice. To be indulgent and buy ridiculously large kitchen sets and soccer balls and pretty clothes for babies we adore. No, they’re not our grandchildren– but our niece doesn’t seem to mind letting us pretend.
And so, we’re practicing.
Wearing: a top knot and lipstick. I can’t be bothered with much more on these balmy days. The weather here has been absolutely magnificent… especially for a June. And July is promising more beauty. For me, that means spending as little time on tedious things (like my eyebrows, um…what’s up with those?) and more time walking on the riverfront. But, I’m still a girl. And that means (for me at least) lipstick.
Watching: World Cup. Does that really require more of an explanation? I love this tournament so much. I don’t even mind the people who watch for all the wrong reasons or clamor on at the last minute in the fever pitch that is the “I believe that we will win” campaign. Everybody is welcome. It’s World Cup, the greatest sporting event on the planet. The beautiful game makes me weepy.
However, smack talk about my side and it’s grounds for divorce. I’m in utter denial, but Suarez didn’t bite Chiellini.
No he didn’t. — No. He. Did. Not. Dang it, Suarez… why did you go and bite that guy?
Wondering: I could figure out why this winter’s 15lbs is sticking around despite my walking regime of 30+ miles a week. It’s just hanging around — my MIDDLE — having a convention. Go home, winter weight. You’re drunk.
Wishing: really… not much else. Life is good.
What’s on your “Currently” list?
Not really sure why some photos I upload from my iPad are displaying wonky when viewed on mobile. They just are. And a quick google search suggests that I’m not alone and this has been a known problem since ’11. Wordpress is “working on it.”
I am, however, not working on it. So, there are a few posts below with funky layouts–if you’re looking at them on mobile. And so they’re going to stay–eventually, they’ll get buried. Right?
So, yes… I’m aware.
But, no… not too motivated to go edit old posts. Ok, so I edited the most recent posts on the front page. Page 2 will have to fend for itself.
Last week IZ whisked me off to Cannon Beach for 2 nights. It was lovely. It’s been ages (since our son was 6?) since we’ve been alone in a hotel room together. We’ve just not had people in our world to leave our child with. The few times we did, when Geo was younger, we would come home to be inundated with tales of how “hard” it was for the caregiver. Stream of consciousness complaint, right as we hit the door. Sigh.
Nothing spoils that getaway zen like coming home to kid angst. Sure, I get it: he was a handful– kinda why his parents needed a little R&R, right? Your two days of dealing with a high energy kid hardly trumps my day to day existence. But, thanks for reminding me.
After the last get away, I looked at IZ and said, “I’m not going away until it’s no longer abuse to leave my kid on his own. And remind me to keep my mouth shut when I find myself in this situation with my own grandchildren!”
So, we traveled with the kid. Everywhere. And that wasn’t a bad thing. We’re a happy trio, we enjoy exploring together. It can be fun and exciting and worthwhile.
What it is not, is romantic. Children have a sixth sense about romance: the minute you start to get frisky or intimate, you’ll find you’re not alone by a long shot. (A related aside, how people co-sleep with toddlers is beyond me!) Little eyes are on you. Little bodies step between you. Little voices want attention. Excuse me, I was talking to your dad!
And it’s all good, because that’s the beauty of parenting. Sex is overrated, right? Half consumed coffee, unfinished conversations, is that glass of wine for me? Exhaustion and missing showers is the norm, the beautiful, glorious, norm.
I wouldn’t trade those days. But I won’t lie, the benefits to having college aged children are starting to dawn on me.
One of those benefits is that it isn’t abuse to leave them on their own! It’s not only NOT abuse, it’s easy. Granted, we were 40 minutes down the road, but I was more concerned over how the dog would fair than how the kid was getting on. (she has dementia and needs her routine!) Other than a few instant messages to check in on how the dog was doing, my child wasn’t on my mind. Instead, this beautiful man and I spent the time reconnecting. Dreaming and laughing and remembering what it was like when it was just us.
For the record, the world did not come to an end. The house wasn’t trashed, our son got himself to and from school without any mishaps, and the dog met us at the door and seemed completely unconcerned that we’d gone missing for 2 days.
And taped to the front door when we arrived was this:
I’m liking what’s on the horizon.