My light seeking dog. We’re kindred spirits.
Happy New Year! I suppose 2010 deserves a warm welcome, eh? Considering the events of the later half of 2009, I’m only too relieved to see a new year and a new “decade”. Â I hope you all had an amazing holiday season. We suffered some set-backs here at Chez Wonder—which I’ll talk about later in the week. But, despite the trauma, I think we’d all agree that this season had its moments of magic. And I think we reveled in the most precious treasure we have: our little family.
Anyhow, there will be time for reflection on this past holiday. Maybe? But right now, I’m looking forward. I hope you are as well!
I’ll confess, I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions any longer. I quit a few years back when I realized that my list was the same, year in year out, decade in. . . And that really, what I was crafting was a list of my potential failures. Some people do really well with their lists and goals. I am not one of them. So, I stopped making resolutions and started envisioning a theme for each New Year. Something to set the tone and shape what I worked on through the year.
It’s amazing how revolutionary this simple change was for my life. Last year’s them was “Lighter”. As in, getting lighter Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically. Â And because there weren’t specific goals like, “I’ll lose 10 lbs” there was no sense of failure, despite the fact that I didn’t lose a lot of weight last year. Instead, because I chose a theme, I really explored what it meant to be lighter. To choose things that didn’t weigh me down, to do things that created the sense of lightness I was craving. So, no real weight loss—but I found myself working out regularly! Building muscle and endurance meant I felt more physically fit! And really, being able to run means more than my pant size!
But the other benefit to a theme for the year was everything I didn’t expect. Opening myself up to becoming “lighter” in all aspects of my life meant some really challenging things came up too! And with those challenges, growth. I found myself really evaluating where I was spending my time. What was I doing that made me feel “heavy” emotionally and spiritually? The answers to those questions shocked and humbled me. I realized that I’d been making some very poor investments, based on obligation and societal expectations. And those investments weren’t paying off and they weren’t adding anything to my life, and worse! they were sucking me dry and taking away what little energy I had from other worthwhile endeavors.
Let me tell you, when you realize that you’ve been in a relationship with an emotional vampire for most of your life you tend to panic. But, but, but, rises up. But I was raised this way. But I can’t imagine not being a part of this. But what will people think?
And then it hit me. “But what will people think?” really didn’t matter to me! I care what IZ thinks. I care what my kid thinks. I care what the Universe thinks. I care about  certain friends and influences that create meaning and value in my life. Oh, and I  care what my dog thinks.
But “People”? Not so much.
So, I quit church. God and I have been finding other ways of communing. It’s probably not forever. But when I go back, it will be because I want to. Not because I feel obligated, guilted, shamed, or in any way coerced. And I think God is perfectly Ok with that.
And I quit propping up relationships that were long past dead. Seriously? You haven’t called me in over a year. And when you did, you talked about you and never asked about my life. You missed that I’ve had a major health scare this year and am fighting for my sanity. And you didn’t even notice when I stopped calling. I thought I would miss you, but it’s just the idea of you. Because you were never really there.
I quit paying attention to the tapes in my head that said, “You’re fat and lazy.” Oh, and I totally muted that shrill voice that said, “You’re selfish and self-obsessed.” And in their place I started saying, “OH HELL NO!”
I quit expecting, wanting, and working for a nurturing relationship from my past. And I recognized that what happened when I was 10 and 15 and 20 wasn’t my fault. I didn’t have the emotional maturity then to extricate myself. But at nearly 40, I am old enough, wise enough, STRONG enough to say… no more. It’s only abusive if I let it be. It’s only user-ship if I’m standing there being used. And it’s my choice to stop enabling the past to harm me.
So, I quit. And you know what, I’m surprisingly OK with it all. Â It’s been a challenging year, full of growth— which is spiritual mumbo jumbo for, “It’s been hell and hard work and painful and full of tears.” But I don’t regret the growth or the hard work required. Because I can look back and say, 2009 paved the road to the next half of my life.
This year’s theme is about “Feeding!” Feeding my soul, and my hopes, and my relationships. 2010 is about the people, the places, the values that I want in this second half of my life. 2009 was really a year of self conservation. And I know I wasn’t as present as I have been in the past. But as I move into this year of feeding, I’m keenly aware of the people who were willing to invest in me—who have shown up in the dark times, been present in my joy, and have walked the journey with me. 2010 is about focusing on those people, feeding those relationships so that they grow and remain strong.
I’m hopeful that this will be a year of digging deeply and I’m so open to what this theme holds for my year and my life! Because I didn’t quit everything. What was left when I was done editing my life was the core of what makes me, Wende. Â And it’s time to strengthen those connections as I step into being 40, lighter than I have ever been.
So, a fond farewell to the past. A “Howdy do” to the future. And I’m wondering, just how will you  be envisioning your New Year?
Sorry to hear about your set-backs; I could tell you a few stories too…There were a couple that couldn’t make it onto the blog. Would it be appropriate, given your revelations to say a hearty AMEN?? I too have become “lighter” although without your wonderful self-exploration and the beauty of a theme. I love it!! In my case, I couldn’t let myself care any more about certain people and things; they were making me into a person I didn’t want to be. Love ya!
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Thanks, Margaret! It doesn’t always make the blog. But it’s good to know there are people out there who care! ~Wende
I think my focus this year is to live into what I have and “what is” while finding ways to bring the future closer, faster. All I know for sure is that being in the moment with you and G is most important -and I want to lift that up and celebrate it as much as possible.
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You remain the brightest part of my day and the reason I have hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving me. For being willing to see past all those barriers I’m so found of throwing up and for supporting all my craziness. I adore you. ~W
Theming a year – I like it!
And once again, after reading a bit of inspiration, I am glad that I “know” you!
PS. God and I started a bathtub club. You and God get into a bath tub full of steamy water and reflects. Extra spiritual points for essential oils or bubbles. You should totally join. 🙂
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Ok, so I don’t have a bathtub in this house that I’d ever sit down in—but I’m digging the idea via the shower. In fact, it sounds like a perfect excuse to buy some fabulous bath gel (I’ve been out for 9 months) and commune with the spirit in the water.
And I’m elated to have found you, Carly. I so appreciate your depth of character and your willingness to “go there” with me. I’m holding good thoughts for your future!! ~W
SOmetimes, as difficult as it is, quitting is necessary. The ‘propping relationships up’ paragraph hit me quite hard. That’s one of the toughest areas I face, I think… trying to keep bare strands of realtionships unbroken. And why? Hmmm. Good thoughts.
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In truth, it was the last hurdle of the year. And is really a work in progress. But I finally came to realize that I wasn’t really losing anything–because it was already gone. Or never really there. AND, and this is the big part, when you stop maintaining dead branches and really PRUNE, you have more time to invest in the relationships that are living. And then your life begins to thrive. It’s hard work, but totally worth it. ~W
I really just popped in to talk about me! 🙂
I love the theme of “feeding” but I think, for me, it might prove to be the undoing of the “lighter” theme of the previous year.
I have faith in your abilities though. I am consistently dazzled by your powers of insight and growth. I hope your soul is fed but that your heart stays light!
All the best in 2010!
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Liza, that made me laugh. In fact, I’m still chortling over it! And trust me, I was kinda shocked “feeding” came up–you know, I sit with this stuff and wait to see what surfaces. And if the scale is any indication, I might have been taking this theme a BIT TOO LITERALLY this holiday season. But in truth, there is something about nourishment that I want to hang on to. Especially if food is involved!
Thank you so much for always making me laugh, my pink loving friend. And for all the fabulous sky photos on your blog. You know how to help keep me sane! ~Wende
You know. I’ve been thinking a lot about a word for this year, which is kind of interesting, because I’ve never approached a new year thus…however, it’s come up a few times now so I thought I’d sit up and take notice. I keep thinking that I would choose something that I could “do” and I came up with “Remember”…so that I could pair it with such words as Love, Confidence, Magic…Although, I don’t want to use “Remember” in such a clingy way that I try to hold onto what I judge to be “good” (wow…maybe I should have used the word “quotation” “snicker…”) It’s just that I had such a mind blowing end to the year…I was like, “oh…well then. I suppose all THAT growth was worth it then? Whoa! I’ll say” And watched a couple of doors slam shut and blow open a totally different door that I wasn’t even aware of…it’s like a Video Game in my head.
And seriously? You are so very good at nurturing relationships. Honestly, I always feel so cared for and listened to after we exchange words…And I just love everything you said about weighty relationships…I get that! I finally actually GET it. Yes…it took a while, but dang.
I am just thrilled to see everything that you will be doing this next year with your new commitment to yourself Wende…Cheers to you and everyone who is lucky to share this space with you!
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Sadira, I’ve so appreciated your companionship in this journey. Both on this blog and all the lovely emails we’ve exchanged–if somewhat sporadic on my end! I have been holding on to your words this week and it’s been a real gift. So, thank you!! ~W
so thoughtful and thought-provoking…i think “weighing and measuring” might be my theme this year–totally aimed at me (not others) and deciding if what i have and hold is worth it’s weight…i don’t do church (after being raised in it for 20+ years), my spirituality is separate from religion and i know that the only one responsible for my walk is me and i’m willing to take that weight…even though i have been judged by others and declared that i am not doing my job as a parent in regards to providing religion for my children…i have to weigh and measure my decisions to see if they are right for me because the last thing i want to do is be hypocritical for my children…anyways, this introspection is ongoing and will apply to all areas…it’s encouraging to know that you and others have your own agendas for the year…blessings in 2010!
(btw, i envisioned my 40th as a start over for my life to become what i want it to be based on my experiences and education to that point…hard work but most welcomed and more authentic)
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Oh, I’m totally with you about envisioning your 4th as a new start. It’s part of what inspired the whole “theming” of my years, a few years back. I realized that I had a lot of work to do if I wanted to start the second half of my life healthy, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It is hard work, but I agree, so worth it!
Thanks so much for hanging in there with me this year! Hey, when is the big move?? ~W