Quickly and before I launch into my real topic for this post, I want to say, “Thank you” for all the support. There is no doubt that I’m working through some “stuff”. Typically, as an internal processor, this means I’ll sort through the individual strands, get it all organized, and move forward. The process of writing about it always feels too messy in the midst of it, and old news once past. But, I reserve the right to expose you to my messy process in the future. Should I find that the case, you can bet on a password protected post. Not because my truth shouldn’t be said. But because if last year taught me anything, it is that the entire world isn’t entitled to navel gaze with me. And frankly, neither is my past.
So, as I was saying, the themes of November speak to me. Gratitude, abundance, and reciprocity. The juxtaposition of a stark landscape and limited light with the heart-bursting sensation of gratitude and abundance–it’s this contrast that convinces me the Universe is not stagnant, but moving, breathing. It is from this place of gratitude, I hope to tell you just what I’m learning.
In the midst of all my personal turmoil (code for drama, just sayin’) I’ve been contemplating the subtlety of light. How even with the limited hours of sunlight in a day, even enrobed in endless clouds, even in the midst of latte foam fog–even then, light reaches out and touches me. Reaches out and makes my heart sing. In the midst of lack, I’m appreciating what little light I can find.
And that has me thinking about how the lack of something we crave or need or desire, makes us all the more appreciative of that contact when we get it. Even if it arrives from a completely unexpected place.
It’s not a secret that I come from a Southern family. But the stereo-type of a large, tight, unusually close family couldn’t be further from the truth of my life. And it’s a stereotype, it is figment, a phantom, a broken promise I am no longer claiming. After nearly 40 years on this planet I have woken up and realized that it’s dream I don’t want to pursue any longer. There is FREEDOM in this statement, that I cannot begin to express. I just know that I’m tired of chasing what cannot be and I don’t wish to build a monument to something so unreal. At least, not with components of my past. Instead, I’m am looking to the future, dimly lit that it is, and rejoicing that this bit light has finally dawned for me.
But the Universe, the Universe is gracious. And I hope that in the next few days I can express to you just how gracious. In this lack of light, I am holding onto the shining, glimmering bits. Those small gifts have soothed my broken heart and my only response to such grace is to express my gratitude. I hope you’ll come along with me, even if it is a bit messy.
Hugs!
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Yeah! Warm hugs from Cali. 😀 ~W
I have been journeying with you…I am also a transplanted CA native (now in Texas) and am still coming to terms with the life I left behind on many levels. You have struck a chord with me several times with your writing…especially your moment on State street when time stood still…I had that same moment leaving the Main Gate at Disneyland last July the night before we left to come back to Texas where I was breathing the air in as deeply as I could because the air, the smell, the lights, the feel of it was something I remembered in my soul and belonged to, at one point in time…and I knew that the next day, I wouldn’t be there anymore. Probably more than you want to know…but there’s no going back, is there? Only onward. A state of grace is an elusive thing but so worth the effort to find it.
hugs from Texas
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Treva, thank you so much for your presence here. I appreciate it more than you might know. It’s NOT more than I want to know… I think it’s so helpful to know that we are not alone on our journey. So, I thank you and wish you blessings upon blessings as you adjust to this new world of yours. I hope you’ll continue to stay with me as I plod through. 😀 ~W
This won’t help at all, but I now feel COMPLETELY out of place in my native land having been to a place where I feel at home. Does that make sense? With every fiber of my being I yearn to be back there. So I feel like a transplant trying to fit back in to my home. And I’m ALWAYS working through things. Especially after the past couple of years. So big hugs to you. There is much gratitude in the cold November winds.
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Keri, it does help! Immensely. I appreciate knowing that I’m not the only one out there. I do hope you find a way to your heartland someday. 😀 ~W
Messy is fine. I can deal with messy.
I love your description of November light. This is such a subtle and beautiful time of year.
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I would imagine that you are uniquely qualified to handle messy: second grade teacher that you are! 😀 ~W
Wen, you sound like you are getting to a peaceful place by looking at your past with acceptance instead of a longing for what wasn’t. (a wise idea for all of us) Life is messy, isn’t it? But wonderful too.
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It is messy. And I am finally coming to terms that I cannot be anyone but who I am. There are consequences for that and you know, this is life. I am committed to walking into this last half of life not carrying the grief with me. ~W
I am wondering about this fall. It seems as if every person I meet and talk to is having a challenging time (getting the tushie kicked…) myself included. I haven’t felt a 100% for a bit…things being unearthed and stirred up. I was talking to my sweetie last night and I admitted that I was indeed embarrassed about what was going on with me emotionally because it had happened so long in the past, I can’t believe I’m navigating my way through it yet again…
I guess maybe we’re all just being called to cleanin up our little messes?
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Sadie, as we’re basically the same age, I suspect you are probably dealing with that “old stuff” as I am, because we’re taking stock of the past in order to move into the NEXT part of our lives. I know what you mean tho, it does seem to be going around. ~W
I’m an internal processor as well. I use my blog to help me ‘sort’ things, but I usually leave out the deepest parts of myself so that I’m not quite as vulnerable. On the other hand, it can often leave people with the wrong impression about me. Mostly that amuses me.
The universe is gracious – and generous. What I’ve learned from your pictures [ 😉 ] is that there is beauty and a balance in all things, but I have to look for it. I have to expect it.
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I’m not sure a blog is the safest place to be “vulnerable”, to be candid. I’m not suggesting that we lie or give fake impressions, but being completely naked on such an interface, where people are at a distance (no matter how involved or caring or concerned) is a lonely task. And the silence can be unbearable. So, I suspect your instincts are very wise in this regard. ~W
i love you. in, like, the totally straight, “only know her from the bloggy world” sort of way. but still ;P
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Oh, Laura! Thanks! It’s good to be loved!! ~W
Messy is indeed OK and a state of being the Universe often bestows upon us just before big growth and dynamic change. All I can say is I love you. Just keep walking. Approach the door and step through. There is hope and peace and well-being awaiting you.
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I am. I will. And I can’t tell you enough how amazing I think you are. ~W