So, how was your weekend? I spent mine, as you can see, in bliss. The weather here, until today, has been really lovely. I crave sunshine. I woke up on my birthday expecting rain, but encountered sunlight. “It’s like a present from the Universe,” IZ remarked as we piled into the car for church.
And it was. It’s been a week of lovely weather. So lovely, that as the rain and the clouds and the tricky temperamental tantrums of Spring loom, I’m ok. Of course, it’s 71 in Santa Barbara today. But we’re not dwelling on that, m’kay?
However, I’ve been absent from this blog. And there is a very good reason for it, beyond the excessive sunlight. I’m whipped, people. Painfully out of shape and desperately trying to remedy my condition ASAP. Weddings, specifically my brother’s impending wedding, (THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVANCED NOTICE, MARK!) have a way of doing that to you. The thought of finding a dress, much less an appropriate dress that fits, has driven me into the arms of my arch-nemesis—where I may be driving myself into the ground. Literally.
IZ: If you keep up at this pace, your arrhythmia is going to be an issue. Sweetie, you could have a heart attack. You realize that, right?
Me: Yeah, well, then I don’t have to go to the wedding.(THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVANCED NOTICE, MARK!) And that means I don’t have to find a dress.
I’m not going to bother detailing the physical aspects of this… as it bores me and I’m in denial. Let’s just say, there are ALWAYS complications and I’m finding that mind-over-matter may not be effective when facing my limitations. Dang it.
Here’s the thing—because it appears I’m expending a great deal of words talking around the subject— I need to lose weight. . . NOW.
This wedding (THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVANCED NOTICE, MARK!) is 3 short months away and in a weird coincidence of numbers, my waist (and my hips, but sadly not my boobs) is 3″ too large to fit into anything. And while I’m prone to hyperbole, I’m not stretching truth here. Even if I don’t “look like an overweight person, ” I have a tape measure that argues this point.
I stood in front of the hallway mirror, wearing the one dress I own that might be appropriate, sucking in with all my might.
Me: You know, maybe with a girdle? Or maybe if I lost 10 lbs? But you know, even if I do, I’m still lopsided. See! (Pulling out the bust-line of my dress 3″) If I just had larger boobs I could pull this off now. As it stands, I’m thinking I’m in trouble.
IZ: It looks fine! You look great, the dress will be perfect on you by May. (You see where my child gets his optimism, right?)
Boy Wonder: Mom, you know they make inflatable bras, right? Just get one of those. You’ll be fine.
See, optimism and problem solving. They’re such men. They have NO idea what it feels like to live inside of me. Because no amount of weight loss or supportive garments is going to change the little voice that mocks me inside my head. We call that voice, Anna Rexia. She is a miserable waif who isn’t beyond cruelty, “Fatty, fatty, McFatty,” she sings to me. Seriously! My anorexic voice watches Grey’s Anatomy. And now, we’re laughing. But it’s so not funny. Not really.
So, this is where I am. On a treadmill, furiously trying to silence the discord in my brain. Which takes me away from this blog and leaves me with too many words and no energy to edit.
Nope. Totally not funny. Although, the inflatable bra idea . . . totally funny. I wish I had a magic pill that would put your inner cruel waif in the box — sealed up with solder and steel — where she belongs. I guess my advice is simply to not look at yourself in the mirror when you are already stressed beyond belief.
Love ya!
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I wish I had one too. MOST of the time, that voice is silenced. Lots of therapy made sure of that. But every once in awhile, something will trigger me. Hauling out a tape measure this weekend in order to try to order something online did it to me. It’s such a fine line, to recognize your limitations (ie, I’m not going to lose 20 lbs in 3 months, never gonna happen) and yet not be crippled by them (I still need to work out and eat properly even if I won’t get the loss I’d love). You know, last year, I lost 10lbs. It took me the ENTIRE FREAKIN year to do it. And I’ve kept it off! So, it’s progress.
It’s just SLOW. I’m proud of that, but this need to find a dress to wear has heightened my own anxiety. (I REALLY HATE having my photo taken—that’s been true at every size. It’s been true since I was three. Hee) The part I’ve not written about and probably should, judging from the comments I’m getting, is that I will be front and center during this wedding as the officiant. Otherwise, I’d just buy any old dress I wanted and sit in a pew and who cares what size I am. Heh. ~W
Ok, a few thoughts. Not so sure about the “Edit” video, but have you seen THIS on YouTube? Sorta fits the mood, too, I think. And also, I will say that one little pearl of living here is the existence of the Steve & Barry’s store, which carries a line of clothes by Sarah Jessica Parker called “Bitten” – with clothes for women OF SIZE! I actually bought myself a “little black dress” this week – of course it’s not so little, but it still has all the sass. And finally, when the heck was your birthday?!?!?
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The “Edit” video is really for the song… sadly, Regina Spektor didn’t make a video for the song. As for clothing, I’m planning on being a very good girl, and what ever size I am in April, is the size I’ll be. I’ll find a dress then. I’m going to lament now, tho. Hee
My birthday was Sunday. ~W
think happy thoughts 🙂
Don’t stress out… may is three months away and I am positive you will find something beautiful to wear… regardless of size 🙂
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Yes, but we’ve established that I’m the Queen of Procrastination… so, I’m trying to be good NOW. But hold good shopping thoughts for me, m’kay? 😀 ~W
You’ll be amazed to know that I have some thoughts on this subject. I’ll email you.
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I await your wisdom. 😀 ~W
I’m loving that BW knows about inflatable bras… that’s priceless!
I feel horrible that MARK (not me, I had nothing to do with the last minute date… I promise… I never ever drag my feet on important things…swear) has put you in this ordeal… little brothers (NOT little brothers’ fiances), huh?
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I know, that cracked me up. We all laughed so hard. He’s a funny kid. As for the rest, don’t worry about it. In a way, the wedding (THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVANCED NOTICE, MARK!) is just the kick in the pants I needed to jumpstart my exercising again. I had kinda slacked off this winter, so this is good. I’m just frustrated with the dress hunt, because uh… I don’t know which way to head in terms of the kind of dress to wear. You know? ~W
I thought Anna Rexia was pretty funny (even though it’s sort of not funny) until I read the inflatable bra remark. That kid’s a keeper.
There are a few tricks you can work with the weight loss issue, but you probably already know them. Just (try to) relax and focus. You do it. Stacey’s idea is a really good one … maybe instead of trying to lose weight fast, you can find something that looks great on you NOW. Then you can work on taking weight off without the pressure to do it by a certain date.
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As I said to Liza Lee, what’s got me hot and bothered is that I will be front and centered officiating the wedding. Which, is a great honor. BUT is making me over think my dress choice. Which then makes me really over think my weight issues. Which, are mostly in my head. BUT, I discovered something. I’ve been starving myself and didn’t realize it! To the tune of 600 calories a day!! It’s no wonder I’m losing weight at a snail’s pace–my body is in starvation mode. I certainly wasn’t trying to “diet”—I just have really bad eating habits. Which I’m remedying. PRONTO. ~W
I hope Mark got the subtle message in there. 🙂
You are brave to write about this. Sharing anxieties about weight is something I don’t like to do in such a public format. BRAVERY!!!!
BW cracks me up too! At least he didn’t suggest the water bra (wasn’t that on Will & Grace???).
Best of luck!
-Kathy
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I doubt he got the message…Which is why I’ll keep telling him in my not so subtle way. 😀 ~W
Oh hell I almost forgot. HAPPY BIRTHDAY WENDE!!!!
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Oh, thanks!! 😀 ~W
Happy Very Belated Birthday! Honestly, we are so cruel to ourselves. When I met you, all I could think about was how tall and elegant you were. And how how much I wanted your beautiful hair! I felt short, dowdy and uninteresting next to you.That was me being cruel to ME, or just not very confident. Treat yourself to a shopping trip and find a fabulous dress! Portland?
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Probably Seattle. I’m there in April to see His Holiness the Dalai Lama. 😀 ~W
Did I EVER tell you happy birthday? If I did not, Happy Birthday!!!
and aren’t you freakin’ lucky!!! (And now I’m sitting here laughing my butt off because my parents are coming to WA in April and they have no idea HH will be there… I wonder how the timing works out??? mwahahah.) He’s going to be in Ann Arbor after that. I’d like to hear him while he’s there.
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Very, very blessed indeed. I was actually gifted a ticket through my membership with Spiritual Directors International. I don’t talk a great deal about that side of my life—confidentiality and all… but this is definitely a PERK. 😀 ~W
Happy Belated Day to you!!
Oh that Boy Wonder! He says the darndest things! When I was a girl and had commented to Mama that she might need an inflatible brassiere she would likely have slapped me all the way across the room! I guess boys can get away with those kind of statements, especially if he’s a little charmer like Boy Wonder
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Thank you!
I think times have changed. We’ve always said that he can express himself but needed to do so with respect. It’s not the words but the tone that usually gets him into deep water. He’s 11, so he’s quite accustomed to “deep water swimming.” 😀 However, I made a decision years ago not to write (directly, at least) about my son in a negative light. Yes, he is a normal child and does normal things. So, he finds himself grounded or restricted as much as any other child. He’s far from perfect. We actually run a tight ship. But the internet is a glass house of sorts—and I figure, I wouldn’t want someone charting my every transgression for strangers to read, why should I put him through that?
As well, he is perfectly cognizant that I blog and that I blog about him. We often sit down and read the posts that revolve around him together. In fact, every major piece about him is ran past him before I publish. At 11, he is author and owner of his own narrative—so any writing I do about him I do with his permission.
He has expressed a desire to read this blog but I have said “NO” for the moment. Eventually, he will be allowed to do so. I can’t imagine how hurtful it would be to find that his mother has portrayed him in a negative light… and that people then felt the need to comment on it!
In this case, he was simply trying to be helpful. He saw a solution and thought he’d offer it. He wasn’t being sarcastic or “smart” or in any way disrespectful. It was so unexpected (and honestly, quite clever, because it IS a solution available) it took us by surprise and made us all laugh. And if you can’t laugh at yourself in the mirror, then. . . that’s kinda sad. He’s brought levity to a situation that I’ve blown out of proportion. For that, I am eternally grateful. ~W
did i not wish you a happy birthday?? sheesh!! happy late one, since i guess i missed it…
also, sorry about the dress/body issues 🙁 can’t wait to see what dress you’ll end up buying, though, cuz i know it’ll be gorgeous 🙂
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Oh, it’s Ok. I didn’t make a big deal of my birthday this year. Last year, I went on and on an on… apparently, too long. And after being mocked on another blog for it, I kinda decided that I’d enjoy my birthday week in private. And thank you for the support. 😀 ~W
hey! happy belated bday! (pshaw, celebrate all you want! it’s YOUR birthday [week!], you can cheer if you want to!)
hm. body issues. Perennial issues, aren’t they? So frustrating. Well, getting food poisoning in Mexico sure did take me down a couple sizes but quick – but I wouldn’t recommend it! har. I’ve been on a sweet binge lately that I’m trying to get under control before those skinny jeans don’t fit again.
One thing I will say is that I’ve found that eating predominantly fresh, raw veggies and fruits will take my weight right down, particularly if I’m excercising to boot. In fact, I’m going downstairs now to make a waldorf and a carrot-raisin salad (both with nonfat yogurt, no mayo) for my lunch tomorrow.
good luck! Here’s hoping the Goo Goo Reward Plan is working!
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Nah, they never go away. I have long standing issues with it…but it’s under control in that I’m not longer abusing my body. At least not deliberately! But you know, I’m fond of saying that when you have food issues (or in my case, an addiction to working out plus a little problem with eating!) you practice your sobriety sitting in a bar. It’s not like you get to avoid food or the gym. It makes no difference if you’re an over-eater or a starver, you still have to come to terms with your demons and be in control of them. No hiding.
I exist without a thyroid, so weight loss is a SLOW process. I manage about 10lbs a year, so I’m not delusional about losing massive amounts of weight any time soon. However, I looked a look at my diet and realized that I’m grossly deficient on protein. I really suck at that part. And courtesy of my poor eating habits my body has been in starvation mode, despite my working out. So, EAT, EAT, EAT, I do! So dang hard to do. You’d never know looking at my Zaftig shape that I have problems eating food. And in truth… I have NO problems eating food. I just don’t eat enough of the right kinds. I seriously live on about 800 calories a day! OY OY OY. Not good.
Talk about cognitive dissonance… this command to “EAT” when you really want to lose weight. Heh. Feed the machine, I guess. And yeah, I’ll skip the food poisoning diet. I lost 25lbs when I was pregnant and the whole time I kept thinking to myself, “Yeah, at least I wasn’t a binge and purger”… otherwise, this would really be triggering problems!
Thanks for the encouragement. I’ve earned ONE goo goo. Yippee. 😀 ~W