What you see here is the sum total of our Halloween decorations after 17 years of marriage, less a few gargantuan spiders and a dilapidated web that won’t fit in the box. You would think, being such enthusiasts about the holiday, that we would have more. At least enough to actually decorate a house. But as apartment dwellers for most of those 17 years we have just enough to make a 500 square foot hovel look spooky. . . spookier than it usually looks with its rotting plaster and questionable plumbing. Clearly, we are not prepared.

A 20 month stint in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania taught me one thing: buy early. Sure, sure, people complain (nearly incessantly) that the stores are putting out seasonal decorations earlier and earlier each year. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is holy. The arrival of Christmas in July magically strips away the significance of the holiday and once giddy revelers throughout the realm now find themselves Scrooged! “Walmart stole my glee!” they lament. There is no meaning in Christmas (or Halloween or Hanukkah . . . or Ramadan!) any more. All gone! Evidently, the Grinch who stole Christmas is chain store specializing in cheap plastic toys from China and an all night produce stands.

Now, if you believe the crowd in ashes and sackcloth, then you might think a corporation bought the meaning of the holidays and is now selling it back to us 6 months early. Hogwash! I don’t buy it. Christmas is supposed to be in your heart all year round and it makes no difference when the retailers start mechanizing it to us. It’s ground I refuse to cede. I didn’t sell the holiday spirit in my heart. Did you? Trust me, believing their hype will only lead to folly.

No, what you should be buying is the actual merchandise. Assuming you are in the market for it in the first place. If you aren’t then you are better than the rest of us who have sold out to the likes of Martha, and you may go sit on your high horse in the corner. But keep your mocking to a minimum, please, I’m trying to talk here.

Where was I? Oh yes, buy the junk, er, stuff. And buy early. Because exercising your holiday spirit during the actual season will get you one thing: bupkis. Why? Because while you’re being idealistic about the holidays, the rest of the universe is more pragmatic. They’ve discovered the real trick to celebrating the holidays: buy your decorations early.

The bonus side of such a strategy is that when the holiday does roll around you are not only prepared, you are spared the frustration of running around to every store in the area in a futile search for seasonal lights—only to discover the shelves are empty. Instead of being met with the refuse that not even the early-birds would touch, you can join the ranks of those over there in the corner rocking on their horses. (everybody wave “hi”) Why? Because you have successfully navigated the holiday in such a way that you can be relaxed and blissfully partake of the events. In effect, you pulled off looking like you just didn’t care while maintaining your impeccable sense of style. Kudos. I hate you.

Did I mention that I learned to buy early? Well, I did learn: in the way teenagers learn to drive. Speed limit, schmeed limit. That doesn’t apply to moi! Just because the state handed them a license, doesn’t mean you want to get in the car with them. And when you do, you find yourself hissing through clinched teeth, “When will this child learn!!!”

And sadly, in my case, when it comes to buying early, the answer is never.