The last 18 months have been. . . interesting? Moving to Astoria when we did was not our original plan. We’d intended to fix our little house up while I worked at an internship on campus. However, those plans were decimated without any warning or care and we found ourselves living in a “fixerâ€â€”something I swore I’d never do. When will I learn not to make pronouncements to the Universe like that??
But living in this house has been a joy despite the half-started projects that surround me. I photograph very carefully and you don’t see the chaos that we live in or the questionable decorating choices of the former owners. That stuff remains just out of frame.
What has been more difficult is the community aspect of being in a new town. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about the betrayals and heartbreak inflicted by my Seminary I was carrying around. I mean, how do you walk up to a new person and say, “Hi! I’m wounded. And bitter. Let’s be friends!†You don’t!
Connecting was made almost impossible by the time my internship demanded—I often found myself too scheduled and too tired to really consider doing much of anything new. I’ve always drawn the line about talking about parishioners except in the most general of terms—their privacy is far more important than my need vent— but by not communicating the difficulties I left the impression with the few people that I met that my life was “easy†or “charmed†in ways that didn’t account for the grueling aspects of my work. Nor did it account for the loneliness that accompanies a life in ministry. Like the photographs of my lovely tea spot—I neglected to note the eyesore of a woodstove out of frame. Sadly, I had made friends with people who could not tolerate my absence or need to mend.
This is the nature of life. We are lucky if we have a cadre of people around us who are willing to look at the rotting molding in our lives. People for whom we don’t edit the photographs. Most, just want to see the beautiful pictures. But as our worlds evolve and we choose change, our photographs get blurry. Because we are blurry. And if we find people in our new world who are willing to be patient and supportive and deal with blurry photographs, we are very, very blessed.
When my internship ended I made a conscious decision for change in my life. It’s never easy to look around you and say, “This has to go!†Who wants to be that person? And I’m a bit of a packrat in this regard. But, I knew that if I didn’t jettison the toxic relationships (I can’t tell you how bad Seminary was for me!) how could I expect anything different? How could I make room for the good and the beautiful and the LIVING, if my life was crammed to capacity with decay?
I got lucky. Fate provided some endings I found difficult to imagine, yet knew in my heart were necessary. And timing too—I graduated in December and have been in the process of cutting every tie to that institution since. All that remains of my time there is a diploma, which will be sent to me in the spring. I can’t tell you just how OK I am with this.
But there were also days of tears. Of sadness I thought could not end. Weeks where I was convinced I’d made the biggest mistake of my life in attending Seminary and because Seminary brought me to Astoria, the biggest mistake of my life moving here. No matter how hard I tried, I could not capture anything but my blurry self in the frame.
Change is scary. Yet, the Universe is faithful. For every move toward change I made, the Universe has answered with vitality and joy and companionship that I could not have imagined would be my fate 4 months ago! Who knew that the toxic relationships would be replaced with healthy ones? I didn’t! I was pretty sure in December that I was going to remain a recluse living in my own tattered hell. I am unfaithful like that.
And should you wonder, the Universe is generous as well—the exchange has not been one-for-one—but one for tons! I am blessed beyond measure with opportunities I didn’t know existed just weeks ago. I find myself equally blessed with the beginnings of new relationships with people who are healthy. And sane. And supportive. And. . . happy.
Some of you have sensed my blurry self behind the photographs. Some of you have lived enough life to know that we edit ourselves, put our best faces forward, hoping for a good ending despite knowing what is just out of frame. I would be disingenuous if I told you I wasn’t still blurry… that my life didn’t have eyesores trying to sneak in for their close ups. I still wonder where I’m going and who I’ll be when I grow up.
But in this life I’m blogging, I know this much—I keep writing because it helps. . . not necessarily because it ends well.
I, too, left behind a trainwreck of a life when I moved here last June. It was as if, even in depression and despair, I knew what I wanted my life to look like and so I sketched it from the outside in. I moved to a rented house in Astoria on the hill and started to re-create my life. It’s been incredibly hard, and I still have the occasional day (like today) where I stay indoors in my pajamas and hide from the world. But things are actually getting better. I joked to friends when I sent them pictures of my great house; “Now I just need to get a life that matches the house!” And it’s true, I’m building it. Inspired by wonderful neighbors on both sides and reading all of the Astoria blogs online, I’m getting by. I’m still unpacking, things are still a mess, but they are a little better each week. I’m looking forward to a wonderful summer. Hang in there!
____________________________________
Oh man, the rain today makes me LONG for Cali. :D But I’m doing OK these days. It’s just been a LONG time coming. It took extricating myself from crazies (both here and in my former life!) to make me see that I’m indeed in a very very good place. I’m glad you’re doing OK and glad you’re reading! ~W
I kind of figured that you were a bit- worn.
I can appreciate such things. So, please understand that I am not avoiding you and yours, but I figured that you probably just need to “be” for a bit.
Besides, this town is a bit- different.
So, at any rate, (once again) if you or yours need anything at all, you only have to ask. Really.
__________________________________
Thanks Tom! I’m doing ok these days. December… not so much. But, things are looking fine and I’ve managed to land in a good place. But… thanks, I do appreciate the sentiment. ~W
We’re all there with the blurry photos of our lives–whether they are actual photographs or just word pictures. Many people think my life is also idyllic(even though I write a lot about teaching and frustration). No one has that perfect life! I’m glad that you are adjusting to Astoria, and making connections there.
__________________________________
Thanks, Margaret! You’ve been a good “listener” through all this adjusting and I appreciate it! 😀 ~W
I read through on the promise that “it ends well” and it does. It has been a long time coming… and I hope you have sun in spades for the rain you’ve endured. But I choose to look at it not as an ending – rather a beginning. Babe, you are off to a fantastic start!
___________________________________
With no small help from you! You’ve been great… thanks! ~W
I really wish you had told me a long time ago that “Hi, I’m wounded and bitter!†didn’t work as a conversation starter. *Sigh* Maybe I should stick with, “Hi! The Bay City Rollers were the best band EVER!†It’s kind of funny where life takes us. I’ve always believed that things (and people) happen to us for a reason, but it’s up to us to figure out that reason. Looks like you’re well on your way to figuring it out – and kicking it’s butt
____________________________________
Heh… I found your original comment in spam:so I fished it out of the mire and replaced it. 😀 Thanks for letting me know…Â 😀 ~W
This is at once illuminating and puzzling for me- it raises so many more questions because I would like to see you more clearly. I think this calls for an e-mail. As for the post- thanks for at least spritzing some windex on the mirror. It’s still all drippy, but maybe when it get’s wiped a few more times and dries…:-)
(You could always, ahem, write for a living.)
___________________________________
If you know an, ahem, publisher I could! :DÂ I’m responding to your email, slowly! ~W
That was truly a beautifully written post. You expressed things that I think most of us feel at one point in our lives. Thank you for sharing with us!
___________________________________
Thank you! I appreciate the feedback! ~W
You have dealt much more gracefully with a fixer-upper than I did.
Reading this post was very timely for me, since I am dealing with something a tiny bit similar.
Things do work out, don’t they?
___________________________________
Things do work out, Michelle. Change is such hard work, but it’s so worth it. I know things are rough right now, but I’m holding good thoughts for you as you move through this time! ~W
Well I for one am SO GLAD you moved to Astoria! And I’m glad you guys picked the fixer that you did! Beautiful post Wende!
___________________________________
Thank you, Monica. Life is looking good, these day! 😀 ~WÂ