Free Will, Sovereignty, and Other Religious Mumbo Jumbo as it Pertains to My Dog
“She can sit up and beg, and she can give her paw — I don’t say that she will, but she can.”
— Dorothy Parker
Sophie is smart. Really smart. Her previous owners mentioned that. We took them at their word and it seemed like a good sign. We like smart people–we will like a smart dog! If you tell Sophie to “Go to Bed” off she trots to Boy Wonder’s room and snuggles into her blanket–tail thumping to the beat of her own drum. Happiness is her tune. She just sings! She sits when told, walks beautifully on a leash, comes when called (for the most part) doesn’t take a treat from your hand until you give the “take” command. Yep–she’s a tribute to her breed. Well mannered and lovely, even tempered, rarely growls, is a contributing member of society.
Or she would be if she’d only pee.
Did I mention that Sophie is smart? But, in addition to be really smart–Sophie is equally stubborn. This little trait her former owners neglected to mention. And because lying by omission wasn’t enough, they thew in the blatant untruth that Sophie was potty trained*. I’m here to tell you–what Sophie is, is stubborn. There is a difference. Not peeing inside for 36 hours is not the same as not peeing for 36 hours AT ALL. Sophie, who does not like the rain or grass or anything nature based when it comes to eliminating chooses to not go if it means meeting that nature. Instead, she is choosing to HOLD IT. And hold it. And hold it.
Now, every training manual regarding these issues suggests that I take my dog outside at regular intervals to commune with nature–when I see her doing it right, to praise her as if she is divine. However, sage advice it may be, it assumes my dog will ever GO outside. And Sophie? She’s too smart for that. She figures she can out-wait me. Every twenty minutes for the past 36 hours she has stood in the rain and not peed. Not a drop. The heavens have opened up and dumped down precipitation in buckets and still this dog will not take the hint.
Because Sophie understands that Free Will only applies to her–that ultimately, I have no sovereignty over her bladder. Of course, that little fact doesn’t stop my assailing the Universe every twenty minutes as I stand in the rain, “Please God, make this dog Pee.”
*If this was all they lied about, it could be forgiven–however, the list goes on and on. I can tolerate slackers, ingrates, and generally boorishly behaved individuals—however, liars really push me over the edge.
October 18th, 2006 at 9:36 pm
hahahahahahahaha. you deserve this dog. hahahahahaha
hell, i’m the one with the cat who leaves presents on a rather daily basis.
now i want to know what else they lied about…
October 18th, 2006 at 10:06 pm
Oh this is so funny but true. The dog is smart — too smart. I’ve *NEVER* seen a dog hold it this long. Heck - I don’t know many humans that can hold it this long. 36 hours? Oh my gosh what have we gotten ourselves into —
As far as lying. I think all you have to say is the word breeder and that about does it. Make lawyers and used car salesmen look like saints… oh did I just type that?…
October 18th, 2006 at 10:43 pm
Oh. Your dog is peeing. I guarantee it. Part and parcel of being smart also means that she’s hiding it from you.
But not to worry. You’ll be able to follow your nose soon enough. Fortunately, you got white carpet, so you can go right at it with the bleach or OxiClean.
But, since your dog actually listens to you on other things, you are infinitely ahead of us.
October 19th, 2006 at 12:23 am
Actually, puppy hasn’t been out of our sight for nearly 40 hours now and she JUST did her business outside. (Yea!). She’s not allowed free reign of the house. On bed, on chair, in basket, or in kennel - that’s it. So she DEFINITELY has the bladder and the will to back it up.
October 19th, 2006 at 12:28 am
Pffft, Kat.
IZ: I think your process is starting to work! It’s exhausting never leaving her alone but I think she’s finally figured out that it’s gonna be on our terms, not hers. She was so proud of herself tonight–and dare I pun, and relieved too! Heh.
October 19th, 2006 at 12:32 am
October 19th, 2006 at 7:33 am
Two things come to mind, first mention this to your vet. She may have cyctitus which is cured with medication. Also dogs sometimes need inspiration to pee, so once her scent can be found where you walk her things should start flowing better.
October 19th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
What a pain, and the poor doggie must have a real complex. (you too!) Don’t we have enough to worry about without that? Alison would not pee in the potty chair when she was little, and I finally had to put a diaper back on her. She would hold it ALL DAY.
October 24th, 2006 at 8:34 am
can i link to this article. Its amazingly funny.
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Link away! I’m all about the linky love.