Or… how I burned my belly button (and other parts I won’t name on the Internet).

We are going on holiday to that large conglomerate in Florida next week. Naked, I look like a very fleshy raw chicken, er Tom Turkey. These two facts collided in a tanning bed. It wasn’t pretty.

However, my motives were pure. It’s true that my legs are neon white. For good reason, they have spent the better part of the past 18 months completely covered because I live in the great Northwest. And it’s COLD here. Only idiots and my husband wear shorts here. So, my poor legs have not been exposed to that globe that shines brightly in the sky. What do you call it? Oh yeah, the SUN. No, instead they have hibernated beneath clothing. White, white legs. So white, when I had my last massage the woman looked at me and said, “My, what lovely veins you have.” She wasn’t kidding, but I didn’t go back.

Where was I? Right, motives. No, I had perfectly good motives for what I did. In addition to having very nice veins, I bruise easily. This is a terrible, terrible confluence of bad luck since I also happen to be a bit of a klutz. I walk into things. Tables, car doors, assorted small children. So, my very white legs are also black and blue. Which, oddly enough, doesn’t really help dissuade people from comparing them to chicken legs and turkey thighs.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that Wende is vain. Um, Ok. That’s true. I don’t want to hang out in 90 degree weather with people staring at my glaringly white legs shouting, “Oh! My eyes…” in Japanese. Shutters clicking wildly as tourists take pictures of the startling white light that emanates from my appendages. But that’s not why I did it.

My only other option was to print up a sarcastic t-shirt that says, “HE DID IT.” But, joking about spousal abuse would be poor form. It’s not funny. I shouldn’t be flip and well– it wouldn’t be true. What if the Japanese tourists don’t understand my sarcasm? What if it caused an international incident in line for the Tea Cups? What then? I can see the headlines now, “Large Scandinavian man sits on Japanese man over turkey thighs.” This would never do.

No, in an act of good will toward the world, and the save my husband’s reputation because, honestly, he would NEVER hurt a fly–or a chicken, I did it. I attempted to tan my white chicken flesh into dark meat.

And now, I’m going to Disney World as Fried Chicken.

I’m prepared to be mocked in the comment box. Mock away Internet. But before you do, ask yourself this: what have you done lately for world peace? Huh?