It’s Graduation Day.
And, I’ll admit I’m a little sad. Ok, actually, I totally melted down on Wednesday night–complete uncontrollable tears melt down. Snot everywhere. Puffy red eyes. Me shaking in grief that is my own. Sheesh, I’m so damn pretty when I cry. Heh. But today is Saturday, and I’ve had a few hours to settle down and settle into gloomy, overcast sadness. Looking out the window, the universe has provided matching weather for my mood. Perhaps she is in a similar mood?
I’m beyond proud of my darling Kathryn, which makes this bittersweet. Because, other than IZ, she is the ONE person on the planet who probably understands what today means. And had things gone as planned, I would be walking across a stage at this moment–with her.
We’ve had a rocky but glorious love affair–we’ve fought, laughed, drank TOO much wine together. Spent countless hours on my deck giggling about boys and sex and drinking more wine and eating dozens of s’mores. Did I mention the wine? Between the candles and mosquitoes and my addiction to plant life, we have shared so much. We’ve suffered the pomposity of certain professors and classmates. (Can you spell, Narcissist, Kat?) Struggled through Hebrew and New Testament and the wicked back-biting of small group life. Passed notes when we should have been taking them. We’ve spent hours chatting about religion, not so much politics, and lots about our newest fashions scores. We’ve walked miles in fabulous shoes–up hills to classes, down hills into town for coffee. We’ve laughed all the way home from Ted’s late at night, waking neighbors as we went–whispering farewells under the street lights. Breathing in all that jasmine. Breathing in all that joy. Breathing in all that life.
Things did not go as planned. Graduation day is something I will not get to share with Kathryn. It is this reality that prompted my snotfest on Wednesday. The acrid taste in my mouth is not bitterness over what happened–but sadness for missing the event. For the truth that because life happened, I will not have a graduation day–and I will not share this one with my beloved friend.
But things went as they should. I do not regret the choices I’ve made, despite this particular outcome because they were the best choices I could make at the time. I would not change those decisions, even in hindsight. Life is still amazing. Sweet. No regrets.
So, darling Kathryn, while I cannot breathe in all that jasmine with you on this day–please know that while I am far, far away, I am still breathing in all that joy. I’m so proud of you for finishing, so thankful for your friendship, so amazed by your very being. May you continue to breathe in all that LIFE.
I’m lost for words. What you say is so lovely, so true, so bittersweet…
Kathryn – many blessings on you for this day! We are with you in spirit. Enjoy the Jasmine (must be amazing by now), enjoy the sights and sounds.
Live into your moment and shine – this is a special and sacred moment for you – and after all of your hard work… you deserve it.
You have written a beautiful post–some of which I don’t understand. But I can sympathize with the decision making that separates people from their goals, and from their friends who continue on. It is always tough to take a different path, but often vital to our own future or sanity that we do.
Thanks, Margaret!
right now i am not entirely sober and there is a (post-top-of-the-hill-noise-restrictions) party going on at my place, but i wanted to say HAPPY GRADUATION
crap! i’m not “totally sober” and was going to say HAPPY GRADUATION REGARDLESS OF CIRCUMSTANCES. profound and properly emotional sentiments to follow after much water and sleep. for right now: cheers! love ya, babe! i would do lava/smores with you again in a second!
ok, i am back to “normal” sensabilities now.
i missed you yesterday as well, my friend. everything was ok, but there was not the intimacy of close friendship present. it kind of kept me from feeling connected to the moment. then again the fact that i graduated at all really hasn’t sunk in yet. when i rip my apartment apart later today i think the finality of the whole thing will set in.
you, ms. wen, are not a part of that finality. that is the difference. these things here shall pass, you are not a part of that leave-taking motion. you’ll get to hear the whole saga of the rest of my life including my current dilemma of doing good work for no money or doing ok work for lots of money. i do look foreward to your saga regardless of when we receive certain pieces of paper.
What a sweet post, and what an ode to friendship. 🙂
Knitting at Cindy’s!
Thanks, Kat–I think I’m just sad still that I won’t walk across a stage, darn it! (I was looking so forward to smiling through my teeth and telling Phil B. “You’re the devil” when he handed me my diploma.)
I’ll get over it, I suppose. Just hard to let go of a dream you’ve had since you were nine. You know, my nine year old self is a fierce little girl with really big dreams–and she doesn’t like being told her dream is over. S i g h.
And dangit… I look good academic regalia. Maybe I’ll just buy myself robes and wear them around the house. With Blahnik sling backs. And a french pedicure.
Hey IZ, I think a pair of sling backs might make me feel better. 🙂
Thanks, Toraji… nice when people “get it”. 🙂
Sorry I missed knitting! I just needed to be home tonight–in a “space” I guess. Hope you all had fun. (LOVE your little new goats. So sweet.)
Sling backs and a nice dress to go with… 😉
on stage i think phil told me “you will really go places” or “you will be a great influence” or some such crap. i say go with the slingbacks and academic robe. or you can just ear the slingbacks and hood for dramatic effect. i wouldn’t recomend answering the door that way, though.